Suddenly he throws all her toys to the wall, some breaking into pieces!
“That’s enough, we do not do this kind of behaviour at our home”. You yell, hoping to defuse the situation.
He screams back, picking another handful of toys.
You became angry and started shouting saying why you always behave aggressively and making the house messy.
He shouted back saying that you always say, I am making the house messy.
Now the situation has gone out of control and you have left the place with depression saying that it’s enough, I can’t control him.
Over the past few months this angry fit is increasing and nothing is working to control his behavior.
Perhaps it’s time to try something completely new.
Here you will find 5 steps that can help you to understand your child better:
- Work on yourself: Many parents have the feeling that I am a “Bad Parent” whose child is creating stuff in front of people, may be on the bus or may be in the grocery shop. But trust me, you are not alone in this journey. Do not burden yourself rather start taking care of yourself, increase self care. Take a pause in your life and think how differently I can handle things in a much better way. Whenever you are yelling, maybe your soft voice and understanding tone can help your child better than anything. Your child needs your help to express himself.
Maybe he is not feeling well, maybe he needs something, maybe he is feeling bad inside like “I am a bad guy”. Child can not express their feelings like an adult and aggressive behaviour is a result of something he is asking for help.
Forget your past mistakes, give yourself some grace. Find a community or support as you work to make changes.
- Mute your alarm: When kids are aggressive or yelling your response is to go there and stop them immediately. Unfortunately these steps continue the cycle. Take a pause, have a deep breath to calm your own emotions before you responde. Mute the alarm by saying to yourself that it is not an emergency.
- Try to understand the “why” behind the behavior: Many of the time we get in a hurry to correct our child immediately if they break something or yell at her siblings or may be showing their tantrum. As a parent we can observe our child’s behaviour which is making them angry or aggressive and it will help you to manage him properly.
Instead of saying “ Why are you yelling at your brother for the remote or the new car” you can responde “ let me help you to stop your misunderstanding” or maybe “ Jane, you and I will play with the new car and Tom will play with the truck”.
Sometimes, it requires a little detective work on your part to understand what feeling may be impacting their behaviour.
- Step into their shoes : Try to put your childs complex emotions into words. He may have wanted to play with you but he became angry and he could not understand how to play by himself. “It was like your hand wanted to throw something and now all messed up and you have to begin again. I bet part of you wishes you hadn’t thrown it, right? It’s really hard to make calm choices when we’re feeling frustrated.”
You don’t need to approve of the behavior to show that you understand where they’re coming from.
- Balance firmness with empathy : Creating a safe environment and a comfortable zone for the child is important but it doesnt need to be done with harshness. Look at your child’s eye and give a hug. “Even though this feels intense, we can handle it together. I’m staying with you.”
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